Grudges.... what a pain to carry!
- manjulajk
- 21 minutes ago
- 5 min read
Janet had changed over the years, becoming withdrawn, quiet, and guarded, unlike her previous robust, vibrant, and happy self. When we met her after a few years, the change was disturbing. She confessed to holding grudges against many family members and friends for longstanding grievances that seemed illogical to us. These grudges had now become overt resentment, and left her isolated and angry. It was hard to swallow because it came from an active church member who knows the Bible well. A wrong unforgiven, replayed in thoughts, becomes a grudge, growing with deep roots of bitterness. It made her anxious and depressed, refusing medical treatment for fear of harm. It ruined her relationship with her family.
Grudge (noun) means a persistent feeling of resentment, especially due to some cause such as an insult or injury.[1] The Cambridge Dictionary says it is a strong feeling of anger or dislike against a person you feel has treated you badly, especially one that lasts a long time[2].
Bearing a grudge is hard work. It begins with expectations that another person fails to meet, possibly because they are unaware of them, or even though they tried their hardest, it didn’t materialize. It involves reliving a negative experience over and over, and while rewiring the mind to become angry and often to seek revenge, often reimagining it with possible alternative outcomes where the grudge-bearer looks better, even justified. The mind must then dislike/ hate this person(s). To grudge means to overthink oneself in a vicious cycle of bitterness, anger, and blame to self-destruction. To hold a grudge means that years after the perceived incident, one would bring it up as if it happened today. This is living in the past, trapped by mental madness to cope with fear, pass the blame, and remain angry. This makes relationships suffer, leading to social isolation, anxiety, and depression. It could be trivial things like not getting an invitation to a party, being mocked, overlooked for promotion, a relationship breakup, divorce, death, and worse.
COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS: are negative or irrational thought patterns that can be overcome when you recognize them—these repetitive thoughts lower self-esteem, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. All-or-none thinking is also known as polarized or black-and-white thinking. Here, everything is right or wrong, good or bad, success or failure. Learning from past mistakes and moving on can help change this thought process. Overgeneralization occurs when a single event becomes the rule—words like always and never appear frequently. Mental filters are the opposite, focusing on a single event and ruling out all else. Journaling helps shift the focus toward a more positive or neutral perspective. Jumping to conclusions can be stopped by considering facts and making balanced decisions. Magnification exaggerates shortcomings while minimizing good qualities. It is better to replace these thoughts with helpful, realistic ones. Emotional reasoning, labeling, personalization, and blame are other cognitive distortions that muddle the mind. Journaling, affirmations, realistic evaluations, and course corrections help mend one’s mind.[3]
The Bible tells us what goes on the mind of a worldly person. 20 And Jesus said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. 21 For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, 22 coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. 23 All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” (Mark 7: 20-23)
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire, when it has conceived, gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is fully grown, brings forth death. James 1:14-15.
Thoughts must be controlled, directed, and monitored; otherwise, they veer out of control, like a blizzard leaving a trail of destruction. Permitted to grow, thoughts become like weeds destroying the ground they grow in. The mind is the wellspring of life, and all input and output should be proactively guarded to avoid damage. Thoughts direct the body's physiology, so good health depends on good thoughts. The shalom of ADONAI guards our hearts and minds in Yeshua, the Messiah. We must read and think of ADONAI and His Word. That is how His peace guards us. Thoughts that are true, pure, holy, righteous, honorable, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy are the thoughts we should be thinking. This is a long list of filters, but the first one, the truth, is enough to get rid of the junk. (Phillipians 4:7,8).
Taking our thoughts captive to the obedience of Yeshua Messiah, destroying every argument and mindset/philosophy/imagination that exalts itself against the knowledge of ADONAI. ( 2 Corinthians 10:3-6). This is how we are supposed to guard our minds and thoughts and prevent them from going downhill. Otherwise satan will inundate our minds with evil thoughts or keep us distracted from the truth and what we should be doing.
Grudges occur because we don’t forgive the ‘slight’ or wrong, big or small, that hurt us or even destroy us. Whether or not the sinner asks for forgiveness or not, forgiveness is the best way to heal and recover from hurtful situations. It is especially hard in situations of persecution, ongoing violence and abuse, and exploitation. Yet, it is the account we want to keep empty; No grudges growing with compound interest on our watch. We must have the attitude of Yeshua Messiah, to forgive as soon as possible, because we don’t want to disobey the Father. He will bring us justice, peace, joy, and rescue us. He will give us better opportunities. He will remain faithful to bless us to the end. His applause matters most. Before we sleep, we brush our teeth and cleanse our mouths to decrease the viral load and odor. It must be the same with our thoughts. We must get rid of all anger, rage, bitterness, outcry, and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ, God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32). We must trash junky thoughts. We have received forgiveness so that we can forgive others. When we forgive, we invite ADONAI’s blessings and healing. 70x7 = 490. It is the number of times we are to forgive each day. If we sleep for 8 hours every 24 hours, we have 16 hours of wakefulness. 490 divided by 16 equals 30.625. That means every hour, we are to forgive 30x, that is every other minute. It means we continuously forgive and move on in faith, love, and hope.
Not keeping grudges has to be a life attitude that we nurture for our peace and growth. Love covers a multitude of sins and helps build life and relationships. A mind anchored on ADONAI is at peace regardless of circumstances. We know His greatness and man's smallness. We know He will answer our prayers more than we ask. We know He cares and bears our burdens, griefs, and sorrows. ADONAI will do the needful. So why bother with grudges?
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